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It's Still Alive Isn't It

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I wrote this after a friend of mine took his own life.
This was also when
Rambo - First Blood Part Two
was being reviewed by the media

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After the recent loss of a friend, I began thinking about the movie,  "RAMBO - FIRST BLOOD PART II".
	Having been a "grunt", or I should say infantryman in Vietnam, I found viewing the movie to be a  very emotional experience. After reading reviews criticizing the movie, I feel compelled to inject my proverbial "two cents". 
	The majority of the movie critics have given the movie "thumbs down".  
	Too unrealistic they say ...sickening, ...could never happen.   
	Had they pounded the ground in my boots, they might have taken a different view of "Rambo".  It seems that most of their comments concerned the violence in the movie.  No mention is made of the deeper message I feel that Rambo conveys. 
	If anything, I think the movie will make people more aware of what some Vietnam vets are really experiencing within themselves.  I know, because I've been there.  I also have a friend who's been there. 
	John M. Toler, Jr. fought the war and came home.  At least his physical person came home.  A part of him, within himself,  didn't come home.  The same uncertainties, unanswered questions, and morality of was right and wrong that plagued Rambo, also plagued John.  On May 22, 1986, John chose to seek peace within himself and put to rest the nightmares and flashbacks.  After living with the turmoil in his mind for so many years, John chose the only way out he knew.  Rather than subjecting his family and friends to his personal torment which sometimes surfaced, he took his own life. 
	It took a great deal of courage and loving and caring for those around him to do what he did. He cared so much, he couldn't bear to see his loved ones suffer with him. I don't blame John. I blame the circumstances which led John to finally put his mind to rest.  Even with all the help and treatment John was receiving, the anguish got the best of him. 
	John's name won't be on "THE WALL" in Washington D.C., but it should be.  Along with all the others who have chosen the same path in search of inner peace.  John died of combat wounds received in Vietnam. Not physical wounds, but the mental wounds from the war that is still claiming lives. 
	If you pay close attention to the movie, you'll realize there is a lot of truth in what Rambo says. 
	When Col. Trautman asks Rambo about going back, Rambo  responds, "Sir, do we get to win this time?" 
	To which Col. Trautman replies,  "This time it's up to you." 
	Did you ever wonder how losing the war has affected those of us who fought it?  We were, for the most part, young and idealistic, brought up in a free country and fighting to help the South Vietnamese people so that they could enjoy the same freedoms that made our country great. 
	A little while later, before Rambo leaves for Vietnam, Col. Trautman says, "John, I want you to try to forget the war and remember the mission.  The old Vietnam's dead." 
	Rambo replies, "Sir, I'm alive. It's still alive, isn't it?" 
	In a great many of us Vietnam vets, the war is still alive in our minds.  We can't forget. 
	After Rambo lands in Vietnam and he and his Vietnamese guide are aboard the boat headed for the prison camp, she asks him why he left the Army. 
	He says, "I, uh, came back to the States and found there's another war going on." 
	"What war?" she asks. 
	Rambo - "Kind of like a quiet war.  A war against, uh, all the soldiers returning.  It's the kind of war you don't win..." 	
I know that rings true with a lot of us.  We did our job because we were serving our country.  Yet, when we came home, a large segment of the American public treated us like we were the villains. 
	Later, in the same conversation, she asks him, "What do you want?" 
	Rambo - "To win. To survive." 
	Guide - "What's your reason to survive? Still war here." 
	Rambo - "To survive a war, you gotta become war." 
	Yes, we survived.  We became war. The problem lies in the  fact, that, once you've become war, how do you "unbecome" war?
	For many of us, there is no easy answer. If there were, perhaps John Toler would still be here. 
	Toward the end of the movie, after the mission is over and Col. Trautman is asking Rambo about his plans, he says, "You can't keep running, John. Your free now. Come back with us." 
	Rambo - "Back to what? My friends died here. Part of me died here." 
	Col. - "The war, everything that happened here may be wrong, but dammit, don't hate your country for it." 
	Rambo - "Hate? I'd die for it." 
	Col. - "Then what is it you want?" 
	Rambo - "I want what they want!  And every other guy who came over here and spilt his guts, and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That's what I want! 
	Those last statements pretty well sum it up for me. 
	If you've seen Rambo already, go back and see it again.   
	This time, pass over the bullets and blood, and listen closely to what Rambo has to say about his feelings.  And while you're listening, think about John Toler, because there are hundreds of  us Vietnam vets out here who feel the same way.

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